By BOB HARPER
FOR THE DAILY SOUTHERNER
Several times before I have decided to leave the bad news stuff that normally comes out of Washington and most other parts of the world and just write something on the humorous side. Most of the time I found the best humorous song titles and lyrics came from country music and the sayings came from all other. The ones in this column I haven’t written about, but they have been around a while.
Okay, here goes:
• If you leave me, can I come too?
• I’m so miserable without you; it’s like having you here.
• Since you bought the waterbed we’ve slowly drifted apart.
• I gave her my heart and a diamond and she clubbed be with a spade.
And the wisdom goes on ...
• If my nose were full of nickels, I’d blow it all on you.
• If you won’t leave me alone I’ll find someone who will.
• I just fell in something and I sure hope it’s love.
• I’m old enough to know better but still two young to care.
• I’ve got red eyes from your white lies and I’m blue all the time.
• I’ve got you on my conscience but at least you’re off my back.
• I wouldn’t take you to a dog fight even if I thought you could win.
Maybe some things just shouldn’t be said, but will be anyway ...
• Noses run in my family.
• I kissed her on the lips and left her behind for you.
• The pilot light has gone out on our oven of love.
• She’s got Velcro arms and a Teflon heart.
Sometimes being poor folks didn’t mean that much …
• When we were down to nothing, nothing sure looked good on you.
Good advice or bad advice?
• When you leave, walk out backwards, so I’ll think you’re walking in.
• You can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.
• You done me wrong, but keep on doing it ‘til you do it right.
• Your wife’s been cheating on us again.
True romance means a lot ...
• I fell in a pile of you and got love all over me.
• I may be used, but baby, I ain’t used up.
• If my nose was running money, I’d blow it all on you.
And she might answer, May the bird of paradise fly up your nose.
Or she may just say, did I shave my legs for this?
A few other truths we might want to think about:
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Sex is like the air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
• It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
• An unbreakable toy is used to break other toys.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• Sometimes, a second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Some more about the wisdom of relationships:
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
And we go on ...
• If I can’t be your number one, then number two on you.
• She’s acting single and I’m drinking doubles.
• I keep forgetting I forgot about you.
• Take me to the corn field honey, and I’ll kiss you between the ears.
You’d have to be on a Soap Opera to get more romantic that this.
Then there are those who we may call Rednecks or those who call us Rednecks.
• If that’s the case, you might be proud of the trophy you won in the greased pig contest.
• You may have kept the lucky rabbit’s foot your cousin had with him when he got run over by a tractor.
• You might also want to hang on to your string of teeth that you’ve lost over the past 35 years of school.
In any event we can’t forget the family’s favorite entertainment system. The Bug Zapper that can be a blast on a summer night when the mosquitoes are really out.
Life can be fun if we don’t pay too much attention to the cow chip stuff that comes out of Washington.